Hermione in Her Mind
by mkala
Summary: Hermione is having a hard time and isn't sure what to do. Maybe writing a journal will help her think more clearly.


Dear journal,

I've been reading that writing about your thoughts and experiences can be helpful, so here goes. My name is Hermione Jean Granger. I am a 5th year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm the top student in my class and a prefect, so I should be happy. But sometimes things are hard, and I don't know why. I have a group of friends and all my teachers think I'm one of the brightest witches they've ever taught. So, what's wrong? Maybe writing everything out like this will help me figure it out.

I woke up this morning and things were good. I felt happy and had energy. I'd slept well the night before. I went to my first class, arithmancy, and turned in my homework. I took notes and participated and felt like a normal student. Professor Septima complimented my predictions and everyone else wanted my help. In transfiguration I was ahead of the class, so I did independent reading while the rest of the class practiced the vanishing spell, _Evanesco._ I sat with Ron and Harry at lunch and everything was the same as always. Ron stuffed his mouth full of chicken as he was trying to talk to me, and he seemed offended when I commented on it! But why should I have to lose my appetite just because he was raised in a barn?

I left lunch early to go to my room and braid my hair back for herbology. I had enough time to hang out for a while, so I sat on my bed and tried to read but I don't really know what happened. I couldn't stop thinking about what I said to Ron. Was he actually upset with me? What if he wouldn't talk to me in herbology? Would Harry follow his lead? Why was I such a bitch? I could never just shut up, could I? Before I knew it, I was laying under the covers with the curtains around my bed drawn, just thinking about life, which turned into thinking about the future. What if I never learned? Who would ever hire me, let alone love me. I was going to die alone, probably with a job I hated and no friends. It felt like my chest was pounding and every bad thought I'd ever had was just rushing to my head. I turned off the light and just curled under my blankets and tried not to think.

Eventually I remembered about Herbology, but I could bring myself to go. No one would care. My teachers had gotten used to me missing classes, and while they weren't happy about it, they couldn't argue when all my work was turned in early. They sent me to McGonagall once. I think she sees that something's going on with me. She tried to talk but all I said was that sometimes it was all too much. She asked if it was my extra classes, so I let that be the excuse. Now I'm allowed to do my work outside of class a few times a week, as long as I don't push it. McGonagall probably thinks I'm sick or stressing myself out. I guess I kind of am. But sometimes all I want to do is hide from the world.

I skipped Care of Magical creatures too. I really tried but I just didn't see the point. I'd send Hagrid a note tomorrow, maybe go visit him later in the week. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like I was avoiding him. Sometimes he's the only person I'm sure isn't mad at me, the only one who doesn't have all these expectations and assumptions about me and my future. It's nice to be around him, it's so simple. Sometimes simple is good. I can't overthink.

During dinner I snuck down to the kitchen and brought some food up to my room. I made it there and back without running into anyone, a stroke of luck. Ron and Harry would probably assume that I was in the library reading, if they even thought about me at all. I took a hot shower to make me feel better. I thought about shaving, but I didn't want to test myself, didn't want to look at my razor or of what one slip of it could do, not with how I was feeling. I suppose I could do it with my wand, but my mom always sent me to school with a ton of razors. Since it was how I did it at home it seemed natural to do it here. I could hear students coming back from dinner, talking loudly as they wandered into the common room downstairs. I crawled back into my bed and just played there. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep but maybe if I could just lay there with my eyes shut, everything would be okay. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Sincerely,

Hermione Jean Granger


End file.
